I have so many different thoughts floating around in my brain I just need to release them. This entry may not flow, but who cares.
I got up early, not as early as I wanted but still early, threw on my running shorts, pulled back my hair, and hit the track. The sun was already blazing. The air was fresh and crisp, yes, crisp. I don't get to feel that early morning air on my face very often, unless I'm driving the kids somewhere, and it was invigorating. I did my laps, ran a little bit, and just felt the weight rolling off my shoulders. I enjoy a great release of tension when I can just work things out through exertion. Plus I was alone, no kids, no talking. Just me and my thoughts, humming. It was a good workout mentally and physically. Definitely need to do this more.
My husband put in a request that I pick up bagels on the way home. This is no problem since the bagel place is on the way home from the track. If you remember to bring your money. And ID. And ATM card. All of which I left in the pocket of my jeans. I didn't want to carry a purse into the stadium because I always end up carrying out a wet purse. Gross. So I had to go home, get my stuff, go to the bagel place, and go back home. I felt my shoulders creeping back up toward my ears. I just kept telling myself to relax, it's not a big deal. So when I got to the place and saw that they serve Thai tea boba, I thought, yes! I know the drink probably adds a ton of calories. Yeah, well. It was worth it! I think this Saturday morning alone-time should become routine.
Yesterday I begged my mother to come out early and watch the kids for me so I could go shopping before the game. I literally had to beg since she would prefer to hang out with me rather than the kids. She is not a typical grandmother (do those exist anymore?) She agreed and I got to spend a few hours on my own. This is an exciting time for someone like me whose life pretty much revolves around meeting the needs of the people around me. I love to serve my family, I do, however, I am not one of those women who are lost in the serving. They lose their self. No, no. I know women like that and I see how easy it would be. I went to the brink. I caught myself and I turned and ran the other way. I need me-time, quantity depending on what my schedule has been like and how the kids have been behaving. Anyway, I headed to the mall and shopped for myself. I went to stores and department that I never go into with the kids. The boys cannot handle shopping in certain departments. I can't think straight with their incessant giggling and touching everything. I forget what the heck I'm doing by the time I've repeated, "stop it!" several times. Which is why I have worn the same bra for about five years. Sad, just sad.
I found myself walking fast, like I needed to rush, and I purposefully slowed down. I told myself not to squander the time, to look up and look around, to soak it all in, let my thoughts go where they needed to and not worry about anything. I don't know if other people need to do that. Are we all so caught up in the tyranny of the urgent that we don't know to slow down and really live in the moment we find ourselves in? I don't want to live like that. I want to see the people I'm passing and wonder about them. I want to chitchat with the guy behind the counter when there is no line behind me. I want to smell the air and try new food. I even made myself take different streets since I have felt like I'm in a driving rut lately. I ate lunch alone, no one clamoring for more this, more that. I soaked in the solitude. The hours passed too quickly.
Today I am getting a lot of knitting done. I need to finish 8 scarves today to make my goal and I seriously doubt that will happen. I wish we had a big backyard and I could sit outside in the shade and knit, listening to the birds and letting the sun warm my skin. Someday I would love to have a little nook for myself carved out of the backyard, maybe a hummingbird feeder or two. But that is a topic for another blog.