First, the easy stuff. Homeschool was great today. Things go much more smoothly when I list the day's activities on the dry erase board and everyone can see how much we need to get done. Plus I let the kids shop in the treasure box when they were finished as a surprise ending to our day. I really need to stock up on some better prizes! I also noticed some of the candy in my candy box has melted. I'm debating about refilling that one, though. The kids have so much candy of their own I don't see how my candy box could be motivating. Except for Mr. M, of course, the Candy Kid.
I made myself talk to my friend on the phone for a long time this morning. I knew I needed to start school, but I've been trying to be more flexible with myself right now. She called just as I was gathering everything together and I just put it all to the side so I could focus on talking to her. The kids were playing together so nicely that I ended up staying on the phone for much longer than I had anticipated. But, I reminded myself, we have nothing else to do today besides school, so it was okay. I needed to talk to her. Sometimes I think I go too long without talking to my friends so lately I've been making that effort to reach out more.
Which brings me to my next thought. So many people know my circumstances at this point, yet the support is minimal. I know that I can't expect anyone to behave like I would towards a friend in my situation, but I guess I'm really surprised. It isn't like I'm not letting people know that I'm struggling. I'm pretty forward about it at this point because of how deep I find myself sinking. People are funny. I get no response when I would think the response would be overwhelming. Even my family isn't keeping in touch with me, which only serves to make me wonder even more, is it me? Wouldn't it have to be me? Maybe, big maybe here, the Lord is letting this happen to show me how NOT to behave when someone is reaching out to me for help. I just think that if it were me, I would be doing more. But maybe I just see that because I'm the one in need. And I am needy, especially today.
Today is a day where I feel so thinly stretched that the back of my neck is burning all day. I can't point to a specific reason, it's a jumble of tangled emotions. I feel like I'm floating through each day, making myself focus on the kids, these beautiful, awesome kids that are my tether to life right now. I see that Scripture about children being a blessing so differently now. I see a lot of Scriptures so differently now. What I really want, what I need is a pair of arms to fall into and someone telling me that I matter, that my life matters, and that I am loved. Today especially. But I know that won't happen today, or tomorrow, or tomorrow. The arms that hold me are tiny arms, and the words they say are what make me important. Meeting their needs drives my existence every minute of every day. I matter to them. And even though they can't possibly understand how much I need them, they need me just as much. And I'm holding on to that.
Every day is such a struggle, such a heaviness. I feel picked over, all the good things gone and used up. Stretched so thin I have nothing left to offer. I am so empty. I know this is my season to sit and be filled. But where do I sit? At the Lord's feet, yes. And I need to be filled with what? Peace and joy of which there is none right now. There's just this awful emptiness to my days and nights, wedged into my heart, between my breaths. This awful echo of why, why did this happen, don't You see me, don't You remember me? And I know You do, but God, how long? How long do I have to be here?