Tuesday, August 30, 2011

So This Is My Day

First, the easy stuff. Homeschool was great today. Things go much more smoothly when I list the day's activities on the dry erase board and everyone can see how much we need to get done. Plus I let the kids shop in the treasure box when they were finished as a surprise ending to our day. I really need to stock up on some better prizes! I also noticed some of the candy in my candy box has melted. I'm debating about refilling that one, though. The kids have so much candy of their own I don't see how my candy box could be motivating. Except for Mr. M, of course, the Candy Kid.

I made myself talk to my friend on the phone for a long time this morning. I knew I needed to start school, but I've been trying to be more flexible with myself right now. She called just as I was gathering everything together and I just put it all to the side so I could focus on talking to her. The kids were playing together so nicely that I ended up staying on the phone for much longer than I had anticipated. But, I reminded myself, we have nothing else to do today besides school, so it was okay. I needed to talk to her. Sometimes I think I go too long without talking to my friends so lately I've been making that effort to reach out more.

Which brings me to my next thought. So many people know my circumstances at this point, yet the support is minimal. I know that I can't expect anyone to behave like I would towards a friend in my situation, but I guess I'm really surprised. It isn't like I'm not letting people know that I'm struggling. I'm pretty forward about it at this point because of how deep I find myself sinking. People are funny. I get no response when I would think the response would be overwhelming. Even my family isn't keeping in touch with me, which only serves to make me wonder even more, is it me? Wouldn't it have to be me? Maybe, big maybe here, the Lord is letting this happen to show me how NOT to behave when someone is reaching out to me for help. I just think that if it were me, I would be doing more. But maybe I just see that because I'm the one in need. And I am needy, especially today.

Today is a day where I feel so thinly stretched that the back of my neck is burning all day. I can't point to a specific reason, it's a jumble of tangled emotions. I feel like I'm floating through each day, making myself focus on the kids, these beautiful, awesome kids that are my tether to life right now. I see that Scripture about children being a blessing so differently now. I see a lot of Scriptures so differently now. What I really want, what I need is a pair of arms to fall into and someone telling me that I matter, that my life matters, and that I am loved. Today especially. But I know that won't happen today, or tomorrow, or tomorrow. The arms that hold me are tiny arms, and the words they say are what make me important. Meeting their needs drives my existence every minute of every day. I matter to them. And even though they can't possibly understand how much I need them, they need me just as much. And I'm holding on to that. 

Every day is such a struggle, such a heaviness. I feel picked over, all the good things gone and used up. Stretched so thin I have nothing left to offer. I am so empty. I know this is my season to sit and be filled. But where do I sit? At the Lord's feet, yes. And I need to be filled with what? Peace and joy of which there is none right now. There's just this awful emptiness to my days and nights, wedged into my heart, between my breaths. This awful echo of why, why did this happen, don't You see me, don't You remember me? And I know You do, but God, how long? How long do I have to be here?

Monday, August 29, 2011

So This Was My Day

I'm looking for my mojo, in case you find it somewhere. I'm pretty sure I've cried it all away down the shower drain, but there may be some more hidden away somewhere. I am intent on finding it. I can't stay in this place much longer or I may really just fall off the edge of insanity.

I hit the track today in an effort to chase down some of this suspected mojo. I felt something bubbling just under the surface of my skin when my feet hit the track and Linkin Park started telling me that it all comes back to me in the end. That song is one of the themes for my life. I love it. I think I played it a few times just warming up. By the time I switched to some empowering Pink and a little Kanye West, my swagger was back, just a little. When I was ready to run, I cranked it up and ran with Eminem telling me this was my moment. Dang! That felt awesome. I was pushing myself to keep going and feeling the sweat just sliding down my back and my face, and I'm pretty sure my mojo reserve started filling up again. Amazing. And did I mention that I looked superfine in my shorts and tank top? Yep. I did. I still want to drop about 15 pounds, but for right now, I look pretty good.

My other big accomplishment for today was hitting the laundromat. I'm starting to get into a groove there. It's not the easy routine of putting in quarters and then adding soap. No, not so easy. It's adding money to a laundry card and then putting the soap in the top of the machine in the right compartment (there are 4) and then figuring out how to lock the door (the arrow points the wrong way - it was an issue last time). But I am happy to say that I must look like I know what I'm doing now because the manager didn't come over and help me again, nor did any of my underwear end up in his hand being brought to me in the parking lot. Big improvement. Although one lady did cut me off for the dryers that I wanted by stashing a few items of clothing in each until her other load was done. But I got that bitch's number and if she tries it again, we'll see what ends up stuffed in a dryer.

On the homeschool front, things are going well. Mr. M got 100% on his spelling test today and I am so proud of that guy! He can't read yet, but soon. The other two have gotten into the routine of daily work and really enjoyed their new history and writing class today. So the year is off to a good start.